Summer Break 2018
“You’re the most important person in my life. I care about you a lot and I love you.” When those words reached my ears, my heart went, ‘Boom.’ I remember my mind immediately going to the one meaning I continued to hinge on. Does he...No. Kristi, stop. He said no. Twice. I’ve barely known “D” for a year, but we’ve gone through so much together. I was at the lowest point in my life during the first semester but I know D didn’t mean to hurt me. I forgave him because I knew why did what he did. He lost friends, but that’s because they didn’t get him. I did. Sure, he was socially inept and maybe didn’t go about things the best way. That’s what a professional told him. However, it wasn’t his fault. If people got to know him, they would see “D” was a really sweet guy. He got me a Dominos pizza after he got me to confess my favorite pizza toppings through a out of the blue question; I didn’t even know he got me the pizza until it came to my house and I saw the receipt had his name on it. He knew my parents were being terrible to me, so he got me it so I wouldn't go through the day starving. One day during the summer, he asked me how I was doing and I said that I didn’t want to be around anywhere. “I’m coming over,” he replied. Next thing I knew, he was at my house in his mom’s van waiting for me.
If he had difficulty making friends, I would be the one to take his hand and bring him out into the world, online or in-person. He would always be my side, as he reminded me on a daily basis. I smiled at him and said, “You’re my best friend. I love you too.”
“Please don't ever leave,” he whispered as he hugged me. I won't, I promise.
September 2018 Part 1
“‘You’re the most important person in my life. I care about you a lot and I love you.’ Those words fell on deaf ears. I simply said nothing to him. “Do you not believe me?” I looked up at D and his brows were furrowed and he was staring at me intensely. I immediately looked back down to my dorm room’s floor and I shook my head. No, I-I think I do. It’s just that...I didn’t know what it was. There was just this pit feeling in my stomach that’s been eating at me throughout the entire day and I felt numb. It was a common feeling I’ve felt and it was a daily feeling ever since what happened in September with D. We sat in silence for what seemed like hours when it was only just a few minutes. While I didn’t look at him, I knew D’s frustration had only gotten worse. “I’m going to go,” he said with a tone of annoyance. I held my arms and whispered a pathetic goodbye. I heard the door close and I didn’t speak to D for the rest of the day, and he didn't reach out to me. He told me that phrase almost every day to remind me how great of a person I was but I guess he got tired of saying it. Why am I such a shitty person? Why couldn’t I say thank you and hug him like usual? Why am I such a bad best friend?
September 2018 Part 2
“You’re the most important person in my life. I care about you a lot and I love you.” He told me that after 6 hours of me trying to contact him. I wasn’t in a good mental state and he always told me he would be there for me. However, from 6 PM at 12 AM, I was ignored for a Tinder fucking date. He showed more respect for a Tinder date than his best friend. When I was walking with my roommate to the Muddy, I bumped into him and the girl who were going back to his room.
“Hey, are you okay?” He asked me. I was visibly shaking from all the self-harm and suicidal thoughts clouding my mind.
“No.”
“Text me, okay?” He punches my arm in a playful manner and quickly left to catch up with the girl. I messaged him one more time. Nothing. Most important person in your life? Yeah, sure.
When he finally saw my messages and me calling him out on not being there for me, he called me and said that I shouldn't expect him to be there 24/7. But, he told me he loved me and said that phrase I just loved hearing before hanging up.
October 2018
“You’re the most important person in my life. I care about you a lot and I love you.” I looked at my bright cell phone screen in my dark dorm room where my roommate was sleeping. I texted D how I needed him. The suicidal thoughts were coming back again and the feeling of self-loathing hit me like a brick. I need you D, please. However, when I messaged him, all I got was how he was “busy” with the girl again. I messaged him again and at 12 AM, he came to see me. Every 5 minutes, he told me how he had to get back to his room and after 30 minutes, he told me how he spent that amount of time with me and then he left. Before he did though, he mentioned to me how he would never drop anything for anybody, not even me, the most important person in his life. When he left the room, I felt betrayed and hurt just like I was in the first semester and it wasn’t because of my mind betraying me, pushing all these negative thoughts inside my head. No, that couldn’t rival with the pain I was feeling at the moment.
November 29th, 2018
“You’re the most important person in my life. I care about you a lot and I love you,” I repeated the phrase D has told me numerous times to Michaela during a call. I asked her if I could talk to her after I saw D being all excited and kissing the Tinder girl but when he saw me in the Muddy, it was like his life got sucked out of him.
“I’m being very neurotic right now. I have a 6 hour train ride and a convention to go to.” He looked at me, who just had depression hit her like a ton of bricks. “So, what’s up?” What’s up? Dude, are you fucking blind?
“I don’t know. I just don’t know,” I whimpered to him.
“Ah well, I’ll text you. I have a 6 hour train ride.” Then, he left.
“Kristi, I love you a lot but you know what I’m going to say,” Michaela said in a serious, soft-spoken tone like she has done many times. ‘You need to cut him out of your life,’ yeah, I know. I was warned not to be friends with D. But the words he said to me always had me coming back, hoping it would get better. Instead, all I ever did was put band-aids on the deep wounds.
The mental scar from September never healed. I told D I liked him but he gave me a “hard maybe.” The day before my birthday, he had sex with my then current roommate, both aware of my feelings. When I got back from my 3-7 AM campus safety shift, he wrote on a notepad document telling me what happened and then, for some reason, I told him I had a dream I kissed him. The next thing I knew, he stole my first kiss. For the next couple of weeks, he would continue to kiss me, cuddle in bed with me, and put his head on my lap all while screwing my roommate. She told me the details and how I needed to “whore myself out” for guys to like me. 3 weeks later, D told me he didn’t like me over store-bought sushi in public. I forgave him after I heard he felt extremely bad and started to have suicidal thoughts.
I forgave him for when he “joked” about my vagina smelling like a dog and told me to be quiet when I was voicing my opinion. I forgave him everytime I brought up a concern and then I was suddenly the bad guy. I forgave him for joking about how I never tried anything new because I was afraid to branch out and fail. He joked about how I ruined the YouTube channel that was unjustifiably taken down. I forgave him for everything.
“Kristi, you know what you need to do. I’m not letting you hang up until you do,” Michaela said in a stern voice.
“Okay.” I grabbed my phone and went to my contact list. D aka Star-Dork™. I clicked on the three dots in the corner and hit, “Block Number.”